Crossovers: Dark Knight at the Museum/Transcript

(Batman is standing on a rooftop, Bat-Signal is lit)

Batman: I saw the signal, commissioner. What's the...WHOA! And I thought I wasn't Sirius Black.

Sirius: Huh? Oh, sorry. Wrong movie. (grabs rack of coats, Batman plays with the signal making shadow puppets.) Hmm. I see. Ah, here we go!

Gordon: We think the Riddler's gonna hit the Museum of Television tonight.

Batman: Did he leave a riddle?

Gordon: No, it was his Facenook update.

(shows Riddler's Facenook page, his evil chuckle is heard)

Batman: We'd better get over there! (jumps off diving board, into the city)

(title card: Dark Knight at the Museum) (Museum of Television)

Gordon: Are you familiar with the exhibits?

Batman: Oh, sure. That's, uh, (Points to Big Bird) Yellow Bird... (Points to Mr. T/B.A. Baracus) Mr. Stripe... (Cuts to Zeke and Luther) Zack and Cody... (Points to "The Fonz") ...aaaand The Hitchhiker.

Gordon: You don't watch much TV, do you?

Batman: You try getting reception in a cave!

Gordon: Good luck to you.

(CLASSIC BATMAN TRANSITION)

(Museum of Television, again)

Batman: (Holding a flashlight) ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-me-me... ♪ (Aims flashlight at unexpected thing) What the...? (Sees Big Bird) Holy Henson! (farts, getting Big Bird's attention)

Big Bird: (roars)

Batman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! (runs down the hall, then behind another exhibit)

SpongeBob: I'M READY! (Batman punches him)

Batman: (pulls out his phone, if you look closely Batman is the wallpaper) Alfred! Everything in this museum comes to life!!! (silence) Alfred??

(scene cuts to Alfred E. Neuman, rather than Alfred Pennyworth, who hangs up the phone)

SpongeBob: (shown with bruises and other injuries, hands Batman a video screen) I believe this is for you. (cringes in pain)

Riddler: Hello, Batman! Riddler here!

(Carly and Sam pop up in front of him)

Carly: Slash Carly!

Sam: And Sam, from iCarly!

Riddler: Well, riddle me this! What do you call a fish with no eyes?! Fsh! Get it?! 'Cause it has no "eyes" and "fish" is spelled with an "i." (camera moves away from Riddler to Sam and Carly) Freddie! So help me, if you don't keep the camera on me, I will shove it up your nose! (chuckles)

(CLASSIC BATMAN TRANSITION)

Batman: I'm gonna need everyone's help in finding the Riddler!

Fonz: Ay!

(security screens are shown)

Batman: Now if we monitor these screens, we'll...(screens change to Dora the Explorer) What the...?

Dora: My show's on now!

Batman: (grabs remote from Dora, says something in Spanish)

(Boots jumps up and slaps Batman)

Batman: (slap) Hey! Don't do that agai...(slap) Don't do...(slap) Don't...(slap)

Demi Lovato: Hey everyone! The Riddler's in the South hall!

Fonz: Ay!

Batman: Did my sonar work?!

Demi Lovato: No, I follow him on Jitter.

(Jitter page is shown, Riddler's evil chuckle is heard again)

Batman: TO THE BAT-STAIRS! And by that, I mean the regular stairs.

(Everyone rushes to the South hall)

Riddler: (holding a remote) Welcome everyone! Welcome! In 11 minutes, I'm gonna BLOW UP this museum! But there's no reason for all of you to die! (Big Bird eats Boots the monkey) So I've left you each a TV remote that can kill of the character next to you!

Fonz: Ay!

(SpongeBob looks at Demi Lovato, Sonic looks at Luigi, Yoshi looks at Bowser, The Cat in the Hat looks at Pichu, Buttercup looks at Lightning McQueen, Sulley looks at TV, David looks at Puffball, Needle looks at Eraser, Pillow looks at Bell, Naily looks at Black Hole, Pin looks at Saw, Evil Leafy looks at Teardrop, Ice Cube looks at Lightning, Donut looks at Pencil, Match looks at Leafy, Dora looks at Coiny, Eggy looks at Basketball, Balloony looks at Bracelety, Bottle looks at Robot Flower, Pen looks at Nickel, Lolipop looks at Gelatin, Remote looks at Firey Jr., Cake looks at Marker, Ruby looks at Barf Bag, Woody looks at Blocky, Pie looks at Firey, Tree looks at Taco, Bubble looks at Rocky, Grassy looks at Cloudy, Snowball looks at Gaty, Yellowface looks at Spongy, Roboty looks at Bomby, Golf Ball looks at Clock, Fanny looks at Tennis Ball, 8-Ball looks at Fries, Non-Existy looks at Book, Flower looks at Ballon, Box looks at Orange, Pear looks at Passion Fruit, Grandpa Lemon Looks at Marshmallow, Grapefruit looks at Midget Apple, Nerville looks at Squash, Balloona Luna looks at Bobblehead Fred, BobbySue Joiner looks at Boing Boing Betty, Chewy Stewie looks at Chuck the Clucker, Deltoid Donny looks at Handlebar Harry, Leaky Louie looks at Pancake Peggy, Sandy Mandy looks at Slow Moe, Sousaphone Simon looks at Whoopee Cushner, Mr. T looks at The Fonz, Luther looks at Zeke, Dora looks at Big Bird with Boots' tail hanging from his beak)

Riddler: (while everybody looks at each other) Press the button, and I'll let the rest of you live! So the riddle is: Which one of you wants it more?! (chuckles)

Clark Kent: Not so fast, Riddler!

Batman: CLARK KENT?!?!

Clark Kent: Your plan is as ridiculous and convaluded as the finale of "Smallville!" And we WON'T stand for it!

Batman: Yeah, well, you know, I've actually things under control here, thanks!

Clark Kent: Yeah, but now that my show's over, I've got nothing to do. So...Get 'em, gang!

(the exhibits charge at Riddler)

SpongeBob: I'M READY!

(Riddler is shown on the ground, defeated)

Clark Kent: Television viewers can rest asure, that as long as there willing to...(explosion, "killing" all of the exhibits)

Batman: (holding a remote, implying that he killed the characters) Shove it, Clark. The money's in movies, anyway.

(rides off on his Bat-Bike)